In My Defense

I'm sleeping rough. I was hungry.

Beach, Bum, Belly

I have to confess that the life of a beach bum isn't as exotic or as relaxing as I'd anticipated, particularly not for a 53-year-old bloke with a hairy beer belly, bald patch and verrucas. And I don't know what I'd been drinking when I decided that shaving the belly would be a good idea and make me look younger. It was a rust-colored liquor offered me by my new amigo Raoul, a retarded poolboy from the local Hesperia hotel who has taken it upon himself to integrate me into the community: the retarded poolboy community. The liquor was meant to be a painkiller and mild sedative while Raoul went to work with his shears: I'm not as hirsute as most of the islanders here (because of my high testosterone count, obviously), but what hairs I have are like wire, and using an ordinary cutthroat razor would have just ripped open my belly like Caligula's sister's, only without the accompanying nutritious meal.

That's all by the by. The pink belly hasn't stopped the women from staring at me, which is all to the good, but when they find out I'm American they turn away and spit on the floor in disgust. Even the ones carrying babies. Actually, the babies spit too.

I shall try telling them I'm Australian. That's more in keeping with the beach bum/surfer dude image, and if this disgust with Americans is all about Iraq, well, the Aussies have a shit-stain army that couldn't invade Tazzie without Pampers and baby oil.

I don't think I'll bother with the accent. Nobody'll know the difference, anyway. Look at Mel Gibson. Plus, pretending to be Australian has the added advantage of allowing me to get pissed in the open air without any stigma being attached to my behavior. Only yesterday morning I was strolling along the promenade with a pint glass in my hand, minding my own business, and this wizened old Spanish bat walking past said to her companion something along the lines of "Fucking Brits. Makes you sick." Babies spitting, I can live with. Being called a Brit: No one should have to live with the shame.

Don't Give Hillary Ideas!

María Dolores Jiménez, Partido Popular councillor in the Huelva village of Lepe, knows there's an election coming up. Here she is on the cover of Interviú magazine, which caught my eye as I was strolling along the promenade enjoying the breasts.

Jiménez says she has discovered an "erotica of power," something I vaguely remember Kissinger going on about, but he never showed me his tits, so I never voted for him.

As for Hillary . . . I don't think tits will be enough. At the very least she'll have to pose in leather boots and a whip. Bent over, looking backwards over her shoulder.

Peanut butter. There will have to be peanut butter too.

Virginia Tech: Teachers Failed to Spot Early Warning Signs

Stitched Up

Israel is replacing its ambassador in El Salvador after the envoy was found outside the embassy, drunk, wearing only bondage gear, officials said.

He was inebriated, his hands were tied and he was gagged with a rubber ball in his mouth.

Easily done.

It's All Gone Very Quiet

Look at what I've been reduced to wearing while I stroll around town in my efforts to avoid being recognized by Estimulo again. I feel a complete and utter prick.

That said, I haven't seen the greasy fishfucker since I bumped into him the other day, so maybe he's tied up somewhere. With a bit of luck, he was just here on his holidays and he's buggered off back to the Auld Sod to carry on annoying the shit out of the Fearghals. God knows they've got no use for him here.

I, on the other hand, need to establish some kind of cover story for myself so that I can blend in with the natives. But first, I think, a small drink.

Holy Fucking Shit!!

I was just doing a bit of shopping, minding my own business, and who should I run into but that moron Estimulo!

That can't be a coincidence. And yet they wouldn't send an incompetent cocklob like him to keep an eye on me. He can't even manage Surveillance 101.

Maybe they're trying to scare me. Well, bring it on, fuckers. I'm not running any more. I'll eat it all up.

Still Fucking Hot

I'm out now, but this place is roasting, and they all talk funny.

Wherever it is, it's a big fucking improvement on Dublin.

I particularly like the scenery.

Is It Safe?

I'm roasting in here.

I Always Knew Shooting Kennedy Was a Mistake

They've tracked me down. I'm outta here. Laters.

Chavez Comes Clean

Identifies main political influence for benefit of UN. Owns up to book club membership alongside Fidel, Osama, Saddam, Ahmadinejad, Kim.

Define "Psychopath."

Ulysses Handy III

Where Are the Irish Entries?

The nominees and winners of the World Stupidity Awards have been announced for this year. I can't believe there's not a single entry from Ireland amongst this lot; the Feargals should have been able to manage one, surely, even if they'd have had to incorporate foreigners. No sign either of Estimulo's archnemesis, Pope Bendedinck, who must surely rate up alongside the best for his capacity to make bad situations worse: I always love those, "I'm sorry my statement upset you"-type apologies, which actually mean, "I'm not retracting what I said, it still holds true, I'm just sorry it hurts your feelings, get over it, asswipe."

No mention either of the decision to hold the Ryder Cup in Ireland at ANY TIME OF THE YEAR, not just friggin' September during a hurricane, or stupidest fucking dance show entitled Lord of the Dance, or best example of collective stupidity.

Maybe it's because the whole thing was decided by Internet vote, and no fucker in this country has yet figured out how to work the damn thing. That sort of backward barbarism would explain a lot.

You want to fuck me using a dead man's penis?

Although the first ever penis transplant, carried out in China, was a success, surgeons had to remove the organ two weeks later: "Because of a severe psychological problem of the recipient and his wife, the transplanted penis regretfully had to be cut off," said Dr Weilie Hu, a surgeon at Guangzhou General Hospital.

Can't imagine what the problem might have been.

Covers Fire, Theft, Kidnapping and Torture.

"CIA counterterrorism officers have signed up in growing numbers for a government-reimbursed, private insurance plan that would pay their civil judgments and legal expenses if they are sued or charged with criminal wrongdoing, according to current and former intelligence officials and others with knowledge of the program."

The rest is here.

Porn and the CIA: My Chest Swells with Pride

"Mickey Z" recounts how the Company made a porn film in the late 1950s featuring an actor disguised as Indonesian president Sukarno fucking a Russian chick. They even developed a realistic face mask for the stud to wear during filming.

"The resulting movie and some still photographs from it were passed around influential circles in Indonesia," explains Barry Hillenbrand in Time magazine. "But the CIA miscalculated. Rather than express surprise and outrage at their leader's apparent peccadilloes, Indonesians shrugged."

They shrugged because he was fucking a Soviet broad. Jesus. How would that arouse your interest? I'd sooner be sucked off by a walrus. Besides, that's Indonesia we're talking about. Their pre-election ad campaigns ARE porn movies. You won't get elected unless the country's approved your schlong, trust me.

God is an Atheist

DUBLIN, Ireland (AP) - Irish atheists are celebrating as a "natural miracle" the discovery of a pomegranate which, when cut open, revealed the phrase "There Is No God" in multicoloured seeds. The pomegranate was bought by local resident Aoife O'Sullivan from a greengrocers in Rathmines, South Dublin.

Andrew Cox of the Irish Association of Atheists commented that, "It only tells us what we've known for a long time, but while we discount divine intervention in the physical universe as an explanation for material phenomena, it's comforting to know that Nature is even-handed in the arbitrary messages She conveys."

Leaders of the country's Muslim community are less impressed. A spokesman said, "The pomegranate is a fruit through which Allah has traditionally spoken to Muslims. I have no doubt that this discovery is part of a series, the other members of which will complete the phrase with the words '...but Allah, and Mohammed is his prophet.'"

Followers have been instructed to buy up all available stocks of pomegranates in Ireland in order to locate the missing items. They can expect stiff competition, however, from the Irish Nietzsche Society, who anticipate finding the entire text of Thus Spake Zarathustra in pomegranate form.


Spotted here.

Hillary Clinton: A Nice Pair of CIA Assets

A bust, yes, bust, of Hillary Clinton, bearing ample cleavage, was unveiled this week at the Museum of Sex in Manhattan. Artist Daniel Edwards said that

"Her cleavage is on display, prominently portraying sexual power which some people still consider too threatening."

Edwards is the same sculptor responsible for the piece depicting Britney Spears on her knees giving birth on a bearskin rug.

Clinton has not commented on the bust, but I am reliably informed that she spent yesterday morning at CIA HQ, asking everyone what they thought of her baps.

Bomb Plot Foiled: No Coincidence

How cynical of me to suggest that the announcement of the discovery of a plot to blow up planes flying between the U.K. and U.S. could be timed to coincide with, erm, I dunno, a speech by the Home Secretary warning of the need to further curtail civil liberties, or erm, the defeat of a hawkish Democrat to a peacemong or, maybe, to deflect doubts about U.S. support for continued Israeli aggression in Lebanon, or, erm, to take attention away from the publication of books about Iraq entitled "Fiasco: The American Military Adventure in Iraq" and "The End of Iraq: How American Incompetence Created a War Without End."

No, not cynical at all. Because all of the above-named events, or events similar, are regular occurrences, and it isn't difficult to find something, anything, that can be painted in a sinister light so as to lend an air of conspiracy to the authorities' actions. Of course, it's complete and utter nonsense to imagine that the state bothers to try to cover up business as usual, but such conspiracythink is typical of the usual shite one gets from an antiwar left that spends all its time anthropomorhpizing government or crediting dumbfuck politicians and army brass with the very same duplicity, treachery, and general all-around scummy lack of character that is inherently required to get anywhere in the incestuous world of revolutionary politics. It's ironic, yes, but cynical? No. Just ignorant.

In my view, this whole farrago has really been conjured up to distract the British public from the truth that their vote counts for nothing. Yes. Truly.

Is that cynical? No. Even the government watchdog agrees with me.

Castro: Still Alive

Conclusive proof.

Ho hum

The case for military tribunals just got a little bit stronger.

And tell me this. What kind of weirdos carry "photographs of distressed children" around with them?

I Shall Ask to be Buried Next to Stevie Nicks*

According to the New York Times, funeral directors are having to turn themselves into party planners as boomers start dropping off their perch.

Actually, I quite like the idea of levity at funerals, although my mom still isn't speaking to me since I turned up to my dad's funeral in handcuffs and accompanied by two of my cronies dressed as prison guards. She didn't see the funny side at all.

I shall definitely have ice cream and balloons at my funeral. Black ice cream. Black balloons. And maybe see if I can arrange for Pere Ubu or Beefheart to perform selected passages from Stockhausen's greatest hits as the pallbearers lower the transparent coffin containing my feculent form, hands gnarled and deformed by years of self-abuse, face in the permanent rictus of the Jap smile, into the welcoming embrace of a tank of Glenmorangie. Paradise eternal.

Next week's good for me. Anyone else?


*Assuming she's still alive.

I Hope You're Satisfied

Because if you aren't, it's too late now.

Waving Meat Cleaver Around in the Street "Not Mental."

Man goes mental with machete, says the Kilkenny People. Only in passing is it mentioned that the gentleman in question was also wielding a meat cleaver. Is this the result of some sort of bye-law to protect rampaging butchers, or is it, more likely, the result of this country's tawdry racial prejudice against gurkhas, Indonesian forest dwellers, Amazonian tree-cutters, and the like?

I haven't been down to Kilkenny for a few months now, but I always thought the hurley was the only acceptable weapon one could brandish in the city's tourist-congested alleyways. Taking out random American passers-by with well-aimed strikes to the temple is regarded not just as useful training for the local kids but also encouraged by the Gardai as a way of keeping them off the crack, smack, and horse hooves and the Americans in the pubs and shops, where they belong. Meat cleavers seem, I dunno, a little excessive, and not entirely sporting. Not the Kilkenny way.

Maybe the guy's from Tipp.

Exercise in Futility

I don't understand this. I've got more than enough for everyone.

That "Dissident" Faction in the CIA Identified

Responsible for "intentionally undermining" the policies of the Bush administration.

I Don't Trust Any Diet That Won't Let You Eat Crackers

Or One Really Fat Latvian with Constipation

Demonising Latvians

(To the Editor, Southern Star)


SIR – With regard to Archon’s rant about demonising Latvians “and the absence of scientific proof, his comments can be interpreted as xenophobic”.

Well, I don’t think there is any scientific proof but the fact is 98% of crimes committed in this jurisdiction go unreported, undetected or unsolved. So we don’t know. In order to estimate how much contraband drug substances are being imported and traded in this state the Irish sheriffs take the amount seized by them and multiply it by 15 to estimate the full amount imported and traded.

This is a rudimentary mathematical formula which says whatever we detect there is a 15 times more of it undetected. So if we catch one Latvian with £40,000 of quality cocaine hidden in his anal passage we can conclude that there are 14 more Latvians each with §40,000 of cocaine waiting for their bowels to move.

I think it would be a waste of public funds to carry out proper sociological research by competent experts just to tell us what we already know.

(a) Albanians enjoy investing in pyramid schemes and trafficking their women. (b) Kosovans enjoy smuggling heroin and arms. (c) Latvians are involved in more criminal activity for their population size than any other ethnic group in Ireland.

Latvians 0.28% of population and 4.6% of crime is committed by them. A study like this could cost millions of taxpayer’s pounds. I could commission a leaflet on it for the government.

Xenophobia is a terrible and debilitating medical psychological condition similar to other phobias. This illness can be dibilitating like claustrophia, agoraphobia, aerophobia, anglophobia, acrophobia, pyrophobia, frigophobia, pogonophobia, autophobia, zoophobia, thanatophobia to name but a few.

Fortunately it is highly treatable and there are many therapies to cure sufferers. When you accused Dermot Ahern,T.D., of being a xenophobe, it mirrored the chief rabbi in the UK accusing the leader of the Anglican church of being anti-semetic because he was reviewing whether it was ethical for his church to have shares in a bulldozer manufacturer. I don’t remember the outcome but I do know that like your accusation it was unfounded, unfair and unwarranted.

Another worrying statistic is that now 25% of prisoners in the state’s penitentiaries are foreign nationals. For 6% of the population this is a very high number. Is this a global trend, confined to Western Europe or isolated to Ireland?

An interesting fact is that Catholics are more inclined to commit larceny than Protestants. Studies have been done. It’s scientifically proven.

May I commend you on a fine publication.

Yours faithfully,

Count Arthur Strum,

Reenrour East, Bantry,

(Formerly Zimbabwe)


Dieu et mon Droit.

And Pigs Will Fly

Still keeping a low profile. Ever since Charlie Haughey moved to warmer climes, I've been expecting revelations about CIA monitoring of Aeroflot flights in and out of Shannon Airport to hit the fan. Given his nickname, the Teflon Taoiseach, we don't expect any of the shit to stick, only to be deflected in our direction, hence the recent small absences that might have left you thinking I was mildly epileptic. Not so. I've just been squaring up a few acquaintances in the press in preparation for a deluge that may not yet arise, but knowing this country, best be ready for the worst possible scenario.